Woody Allen Quotes

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.” –

“Even if God exists, he’s done such a terrible job, it’s a wonder people don’t get together and file a class action suit against him.” –

Even if God exists, he's done

“Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.” –

“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.” –

“Until you’ve been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon – you’ve never been kissed.” –

“Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.” –

Some drink deeply from

“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.” –

“A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.” –

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.” –

“I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” –

I am not afraid of death.

“Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.” –

“If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.” –

“I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you’ve never seen neurotics play softball, it’s really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.” –

“The only love that lasts is unrequited love.” –

The only love that lasts

“Life is hard for insects. And don’t think mice are having any fun either.” –

“I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.” –

“I’m awash in self-contempt!” –

“Over the years I’ve never written or made movies about political themes ’cause while they do have current critical importance, in the large, large scheme of things, only the big questions matter and the answers to those big questions are very, very depressing.” –

Over the years I've never

“I believe in sex and death- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.” –

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” –

“When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.” –

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” –

Sex alleviates tension.

“Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner’s mansion.” –

“I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.” –

“I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?” –

“How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?” –

How does gravity work

“I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers” –

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” –

“I’m afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.” –

“Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.” –

Love is too weak a word

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –

“My grandfather had a wonderful funeral… On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.” –

“What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.” –

“I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.” –

I'm not anti-social.

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.” –

“When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.” –

“Who’s the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?” –

“No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it’s luck.” –

No matter what the shrinks,

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?” –