Top Quotes by The Author of It’s Not Easy Bein’ Me Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield, an American stand-up comedian and famously known with his film roles. Find the best quotes by him on kids, school and fun.

  • Life is just a bowl of pits.
  • What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
  • My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
  • My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
  • If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
  • I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
  • I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
  • I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
  • I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
  • Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
  • When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
  • When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
  • One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
  • On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
  • My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
  • I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
  • I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
  • I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
  • I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
  • I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
  • My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  • I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
  • I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  • I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
  • My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
  • My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
  • My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
  • I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
  • My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  • I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
  • Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
  • My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
  • My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
  • Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
  • It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
  • This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
  • What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  • My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
  • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
  • A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
  • My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  • I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
  • I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
  • With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
  • With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
  • Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
  • We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
  • At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.
  • I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  • My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.