Funny Work Quotes

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

Expecting the world

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip

The difference between

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection” – Drake

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill

If you find it hard to

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese” – Steven Wright

A successful man is

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

Money is not the most

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch

“If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.” – Ron White

“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” – Jeffree Star

I couldn't repair your

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Steven Wright

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?” – George Carlin

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde